Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
marvel comics have peaked
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.