A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
You Might Also Like
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.