911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross