Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
somebody come look at this
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown