(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m aging like a fine banana