My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
i’m sure it’s fine
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.