Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
bears
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation