Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My purse is deeper than some people.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I’m crying im so happy for them
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes