Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.