I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Tuesday
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism