Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.