me trying to get a bartender’s attention
You Might Also Like
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers