Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.