ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge