Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs