SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme