Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron