I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My teenage children choosing violence
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Shower sex be like:
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”