A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance