You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
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Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.