never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I need better friends
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Mood.. 😂
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.