I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”