What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
there has never been a better use of this meme
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer