i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city