just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.