I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
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Can’t. Being lazy.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in