HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.