DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.