“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.