me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
You Might Also Like
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next