There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me, in DM rooms…
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
your honor my client chooses dare
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?