*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.