[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.