Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
So inspired right now.