I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?