*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
You Might Also Like
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.