I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?