Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
それは草
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.