*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Not recommended for beginners.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.