my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Cool shirt 🙂
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“How’s your day going?”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.