If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
You Might Also Like
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?