People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Dead:
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.