Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.