the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
This sounds bad:
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.