[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
why no one uses midhusbands
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.