I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Who knew!
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.