I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
A choir of Spring onions
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list