Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”