When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.