them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool